Lost and they don't make a map for this.

Not really sure what I am doing with my life right now. Really am stuck in a rut that has long dried up. Being sick last year really messed up a lot in my life, failed a few classes and did not graduate from high school and I am sick again. My luck right? I just really don't know where to go from here and it's all just getting worse. I should probably be working on a class right now but instead I'm here writing this and waiting for a hero to find me. Maybe just give me some motivation to finish up and do something. My B-day is in a few days, eleven to be specific, and I have no plans don't even really know who all is still living close enough to hang with. Worst part is I shall be nineteen and still not have one of the most important pieces of worthless paper in my live, DIPLOMA, ya nineteen and not much to show for it. I really want to find the brighter side of this dark rain cloud. Maybe comment a few ideas if ya have a few. I am trying to stay open minded as much as possible so really I am down for anything.

Spending so much time on the road the last two days has been tiring but worth it. I have gained some great shots and about 100 times more pictures I probably will never use. Out in Pinetop, AZ its really easy to get out of the town lights. Only 10 miles out of town and just 150 yards down a dirt road you can escape any and all light pollution. I have been working in the past to try to photograph stars, but with only having a few gems. Most of the time they cam out to orange and with way to much noise or not enough light and the stars do not show up. Here are three that I took that came out really well.

Local expression.

Some local art in Flagstaff just thought you guys would love to see some graffiti that's not destructive.

London Bridge in America?

Been on the road five hours so far and covered 250 miles, yet I am only in Lake Havasu. Interesting fact that song London bridge is falling down, ya that nursery rhyme that'd stuck in your head now. Ya the original London Bridge is here in Lake Havasu, Arizona. Hope there is time to get a few pics of the famous bridge that was moved brick by brick here. So I did get some pictures here are two of the best I got. We ended up spending the whole day on the road over 500 miles today. We finally got into Prescott Motel 6 about seven-thirty. Dinner at the neighboring J.B.'s was a great 

Coffee's sweet aroma

Gently waking up to the smell of coffee  then to hear my buzzer alarm go off. For the next three days I will be my step-dads chauffeur around Arizona. One good thing that comes out of this is I will have many new photo options while he is in meetings and while driving I should have plenty of time to think. I know it has been a while since my last post but I think that can be seen as a good thing. Since my last posts were one the depressing side of life, but hey we all have our down times. So in the next few days I should be posting some really cool photos and maybe some good thoughts. Here is one I thought of last night before I fell asleep. I saw a picture of a trash can and how it only takes a few hours to fill about 80% of the can but the other 20% takes 3-4 days. I got to thinking a lot of things are like that. Say a gallon of milk in your refrigerator. In 2-3 day about 80% of the milk is gone and the other 20% takes about twice as long to be used up. That goes for a lot of things, a 12 pack of soda, first 8-9 are drank in a much faster time frame then then the last 3-4 are. I know with the milk it is the fact that if I want cereal in the morning I need to save some. But I think it is human instinct to conserve something when what we have gets close to being gone, even when it is only a short trip to the store to buy more. With instances like the time it takes to fill up a trash can, it is just out of laziness.

Little Spider Needs a Change

One knows when they need to make changes on their life. Seriously everything seams great and just one day you see or do something that makes you think. Like wow what am I doing here. Hopefully its before you're tied to a chair in a dark alleyway.  Luckily it was just an ex-girlfriend that I offered a place to stay for a few days.  It was more than enough to get me thinking, Wow. It times like this when you know you need some new close friends someone you can truly trust. I feel like I have been a little spider just making a web waiting to catch me some food, secretly admiring the wolf spider that goes and hunts his for his food.

Missing Woman

On my way back from California we stopped by an old cafe. After investigating further I found this scene, where an old vacuum mop and broom lay lifeless and forgotten. All I could think of is what poor woman died here. I know it's mean to think that but come on if you were not judging me, you would have thought of it yourself.

Non-Believer

Lives unfair, good people get screwed and bad people just get time.

If there is truly a god then he's on the wrong side. Loved ones being taken away when there are needed most. Hurting the ones closest, destroying newly repaired relations. I have a hard time believing that there is an all mighty that watches over us. Taking the people we need most. Family has said it's just a blessing in disguise, but still have a hard time believing that.

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Missed Relations

MONDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2011
Missed Relations
To say the least; I miss it all
the little things like random cheer text messages :)
A warn hand in the cold morning
The soft voice always so comforting.
Caring eyes oh so gorgeous.
Fingers running through silky hair.
Flirting quietly
Cuddling in silence
heart felt love notes
The larger things like:
meaningful talks
everlasting support
someone to understand
unconditional love.

Dead End

MONDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2011
Dead End
Feelings for life has changed
wanting to succeed is gone
not being able to not fail is here
Zero it is that's crushed me so
Not even an PinkyPie could make me smile
this frown turned upside down is brought back down to a depressed frown.
I trued and displease, I don't try and still displease.
If hope be a fire then my fire be put out
At one point I had something but gone with the wind it is
like the respect i had for myself
I never will find
maybe I want to but i really wont find it
I'm to lazy to care, to tired to give a damn
If I run dry like pen out of words
misery as i know it, life as you do,
shall end.

Open eyes to the past?

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2011
Open eyes to the past?
Its along way to the top Success does not come gift wrapped for most. The best example I can come up with is relationships just thinking about it I realize that so far, even though, I am single I have not failed at it. For everyone in my past I have learned something from. Who I am, what I'm looking for in someone else and with each person I learn a little more. Ever expanding. Ever changing. Always looking. In short no one knows what they truly are looking for in their partner, but with each new relationship we learn what characteristics we are looking for and with every unsuccessful relationship we hopefully fine a few characteristics that we do like and learn from them.

Giving Up

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 2011
"whatever, I give up"
Miss Desiree Sirinivas.
"whatever, I give up"
You cant quite now for then you'll have nothing left.
Its gona  be alright
Its gona  be alright
Take the broken wonds and learn to fly
take a sad song and make it better
dont be afraid
anytime you feel the pain
remember don't carry the world on your shoulders

Flying Together

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 31, 2011
Flying Together
Our statuses on single and let's leave it that way. Just be scandalous, let them ask questions. Let's find out what we have and whether it flies or not. For all we know of we jump off a cliff holding hands we could soar as a bald eagle does over a great lake, skimming the waters glassy surface with razor sharp talons. Worst case we crash and burn knowing we tried making it work and we may have the aching heart afterwards we shall keep the life lessons and the memories that we make in the process. This could be a great trip cross country or a disastrous train ride though a treacherous mountain pass. Either way we will come out alive hurt but alive knowing that we had our time whether short lived or everlasting it is ours while we have it.

Life Though a 35mm Lens

MONDAY, AUGUST 29, 2011
Life Though a 35mm Lens

Imagine, a teenage boy sulking from painstaking class hour to painstaking class hour. Not being able to see, being there but not existing, learning but not understanding.  Dipped in a dark and dismal depression, suffocating by the very air that kept me alive, I let myself be known only when it mattered.  This is how freshman and sophomore year trickled by, long months became weeks, and weeks, days. By the 360th day of high school, near lifeless the reached sun beat down on my grueling walk home. Salty beads of sweat trickle of the bridge of my nose. RING RING…RING RING “Hello?”, Lazily answering the boy.
“Hey I’m taking you to enroll at Hamilton. Meet you at Target.” Replied the energetic voice.
Too tired to talk correctly, “Kay, bye.” My gloomy response was released.
            Yes, that sad excuse for a son was me, and for the next three months or so I remain in this dark place. That enrollment interview changed something, yet I was unaware of it. Going through the extensive list of extra classes available was tendering on overwhelming. My choice made, summer came and went as uneventful as a weekend in bed with the flu.
By the end of first hour I had been outcast but the over cocky underclassmen. It was not for a month or so that I found a new perspective on life, a 35mm Pentax K1000. Camera in hand I saw the world around me with a clearer focus. The camera had not simply done that, but it was also a light that lit up that deep dark place I inhabited before. Every open close with the shutter melts my blanket of darkness away. The photo class opened my eyes to show me an entirely new spectrum of colors; that for every negative there is a positive. I felt a strong pull towards sight when before I felt blindness. With the camera and my new-fangled skills I wanted to create warmth that melts smiles to other faces and not just mine. Photography has become my greatest escape from the world’s faults and disarrays, created a trusted safe house from the world’s unjust, malicious ways of life. Through its many lenses I have seen a world that shines and blossoms in every dark shadow. Whether photography has made me a better person in society or just a teen with a brighter outlook on life, it inspires me to do what makes my aching heart warm. The inspiration has birthed a new, extraordinary positive look towards life.
Through every new lens I see a new brighter silver lining on every dark and dismal rain cloud. Losing my mind, clicking away, creating expressions of my safety net for all to see, freedom is created from the confines of each aperture.

True Game of Life

MONDAY, AUGUST 22, 2011
True Game of Life
In life there is no winners, only those who played well for when out time is up death is waiting as the last seconds tick off the clock. The timer is up and what have we lived for? Nothing, the end came, we went. Now your life's Worth's are gone. Maybe you did something great like securing world peace. Six feet under your name lives on weather the kids remember who knows. There is no true winners in life for the ones who played well may only live long and in comfort. Great men may try to defeat death at its own game of life yet final destination gets the deciding say for at the end of the game board there is no vacation island but the cold lingering touch of Death itself.

A chance that never stood a chance.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 11, 2011
A chance that never stood a chance.
Stirring tension in the room with only the sounds of confident hands waltzing with the ball point pen and the overworked air conditioner that just barley keeps pace. I fall farther and farther behind wishing I had planned for this moment so it would not be in the books with other fails. This falsehoods creates the illusion of a masterpiece for whats due, at the end of this life when in fact it's all just lies. Lines on top of line, twisted lie after lie, the realization of whats going on sets in like a late night blizzard. Waking up to a thick blanket of frozen snow. Just hits you and now without your shoes or socks the cold sets in like boiling water. The cold burns your bare feet. Look around, no one else is  in this boat for most have that delicate relationship with a flowing pen. With only faint signs of stress surly I'm the only one with not Patel in this unforgiving river of ranking GPA's. Tossing, turning as a child without his blanket falling into submission from that fretful nightmare that haunts him throughout his childhood and carefree adulthood. Then seeing light in the tunnel  as an angle saves him. His knees hit the splintered track ties as the train rips him in two. The realization of his savior forsaking him. His faith gone, he fails once again. Without that plan that never aroused the start of his life is sure to look death in the eyes as news of twins are born well one twin for the second is still and cold and lifeless as firewood. His life never stood a chance.

Summer Boredom

SUNDAY, JUNE 19, 2011
Summer Boredom
Summer brings me to my knees. Finding that I really do have a hole in my heart where friends should be. What are me school mates doing? look on facebook. going to the mall or at Timmy's house. Makes me wonder why I have a facebook. Even when I post something that requires a comment the best response I get is a few likes. Summer a time of joyous fun and I'm cooped up in my cave of isolation with the world that so coldly blocked me  in here just on the far side of the portal. The light at the end of my tunnel would be what everyone else sees as a a way to become a golden marshmallow roasted over the red hot coals of a once ravenous campfire. While I'm in the plastic bag suffocated from the outside world.  That last little bit of milk that goes sower. The feeling of unwantedness sinks in around me like a first winter snow.

Lost In Me

TUESDAY, APRIL 19, 2011
Lost In who I Am.
I am what I am, I am who I am. Only problem Who am I
I don't know any of this I only that I'm not like anyone else that I see the world in a messed up picture frame. I see it with a hatred that I don't know where came from and a love than trumps the hatred to a balanced dose of dislike and aggravation.
I am what I am,I am who I am. Only problem where is the person I'm to be

Wheres Truth

TUESDAY, APRIL 12, 2011
Wheres Truth
The truth lies somewhere
Hidden Behind closed stained glass windows
Their there, seen but unseen, known and unknown.
This land mine of lies can kill the respect someone has for you
the trust that someone has put in you.
A man without his word is a man who has no say.

Fatherly Like

TUESDAY, APRIL 12, 2011
Fatherly Like
He's a hero, an idol, someone to lean on.
As Strong wooden tree stakes help hold a new sapling grow to become that tree with a one of a kind tree house. Training wheels on that new bicycle.
He's a hero, an idol, someone to lean on when you need that little bit of support.

Think of you.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2011
Think of you.
Sitting here thinking of you.
Wondering what you’re doing, thinking,
Wondering if you think about me on occasion
Does this occasion make you smile?
This is what I think of.
I wonder what it would be like to hold your hand,
As we float from class to class.
What if life worked the way I wanted?
And you did care about me?
Would I be happy or would I want more?
What’s life without a goal?

Fallen Tree

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2011
Fallen Tree
Gently laying there like a log in a creeping river
Floating of into limbo as time goes on my eyes feel heavier and heavier
Till the fighting comes they must think I'm asleep
Flung back to the reality that something’s wrong
Great drops of salty water escape from behind my tiring eyes
I can feel myself sobbing quietly as if they could hear me anyway
To busy pointing out everything the other can't to or should be doing
Laying here like a freshly fallen tree, upset and a little angry.

My Fortress

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2011
My Fortress
All you see of me is a large stone gray wall many times taller than the surrounding.
All you see is what I have built up, to show the world,
atop the wall you may see the guards dressed in their yellow robes.
This great wall, I built to see who would try to see what’s inside.
What is inside? A great city full of wonderful wonders of all colors.
A majestic palace of silver and gold, crimson tiles and curtains beautiful pictures framed in a soft cream.
At night the palace glows with a soft green
The buildings made from the finest white marble.
But all you see on the outside in that great gray wall and beep blue moat that runs the perimeter.
Till the day I find someone I wish to shear the inner city for then and only then the wall crumbles, the moat dries up.
The realizing the true cost of diminishing the wall I realize it was not worth it.
The wall not so great must be built back into its greatness.
Slowly, day by day the ashy gray stones are put back to place by the guards in yellow.
Till, all you see of me is a large stone gray wall many times taller than the surrounding.

Who shall we trust?

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2011
Who shall we trust?
Forth grade, year of fun, year full of recesses to hide and seek, run and play tag, time to just be silly, free of worries.
It's when you realize your mom and dad aren't as cool as you thought.
It's not for another few years that you should have to realize life is not fair.
Its this year year I realize how cold life is at times.
After bed I hear them yelling, fighting, always fighting. It's my fault I would say with my head under my covers.
Yet they denied it saying it was not your fault.
Maybe i wanted it to be my fault so it could end; that Christmas i saw it end, kinda.
After that i remember hearing how it's all him, how what he did was wrong.
She mad him out to be the villain in a cartoon, and herself dressed as a goddess.
Never put much thought to it, just accepted it, till the day she slipped, that night it all made more sense than ever.
It clicked.
She's far from what she mad herself to be.
That woman everyone trusts to always be there to make it better, to always love you.
Her pants on fire I saw her for what she is, a lier.
She had me treating him like dirt for years.
How would he react when I tell him how wrong I had been, how sorry I was.
Forgiven.
Forgiven?
How could it be, its as if the last few years were surreal.